School holidays and parental pressures: Ways to communicate when the conversation breaks down

During the school holidays it is great for children to have time off school, enjoy some (hopefully) nice weather and spend time with their friends without having to worry about homework. What is often overlooked, however, is the increased demand on parents, who have to plan around work commitments, lean on family for childcare and ensure a flexibility in their routine that might not always be there.

When parents are living separately, it is all too easy to think more generally about ‘what is in the child’s best interests?’ and overlook the role of the parents insofar as the practical arrangements are concerned. Children of parents who are separated will frequently have two different routines, in two different households.

So far as the week to week contact arrangements go, it can be helpful to have a ‘normal’ routine which includes school or nursery pick up and drop off and offers consistency. School holiday periods often mean that the ‘normal’ routine needs to be adapted. Attempting to have an agreed ‘holiday’ routine will hopefully allow for as smooth a transition as possible between term and non-term time. Agreeing that early allows parties to have a degree of certainty looking to the weeks, months and years ahead. It takes great communication between the parents, a willingness to stick to the routine and an ability to be flexible when the unexpected happens.  Unfortunately, it is not always possible for separated parents to be able to communicate well.

When trying to plan for holiday childcare arrangements, it is helpful to break it down:

1. What are your needs?
   Flexibility, childcare assistance, clearer communication, special planning for a child with acute needs?
2. What are you worried about?
   Increasing pressures of work, unexpected childhood illness, carers cancelling last minute, diary clashes between you and your ex-partner?
3. Peer support?
   Can you rely on family members and friends to ‘drop and run’ if needed?

   Do you have someone to offer emotional support?

When direct communication breaks down, or one party is unable or unwilling to be flexible, the disruption for the children can be considerable. So, what are the options to foster better communication between parties and also ensure flexibility?

Mediation:

Mediation is an effective non-contentious method of alternative dispute resolution. The cost of mediation is relatively low when compared to contentious litigation. Unlike litigation, the parties are afforded time between sessions to allow progress in a natural form as opposed to timescales being imposed by a court timetable. Mediation is a voluntary process. It takes willingness on the part of both parents to make it work. The mediator is independent. They can provide legal information but not advice.  The mediator’s role is to facilitate discussion and hopefully agreement between parents.

Child inclusive mediation:

This is now available in Scotland. Ordinarily, mediation is for the parents to attend. They will spend time talking about ways they think they can better work together for the children. But why not involve the child in the process?

There is additional training that a mediator must undertake in order to provide child inclusive mediation. That training is now available in Scotland.  Two of our mediators at Harper Macleod, Karen Gibbons and Linda Walker, have undergone that training.  The involvement of children in a mediation process of course needs to be carefully planned and thought out. The most important part is ensuring that the child is given a voice, and then accurately reflecting the child’s voice to the parents.

Child inclusive mediation is designed to be a safe place for a child. There is however an overarching safeguarding role which the mediator adopts and so where certain disclosures are made by a child, these may require to be shared with relevant third parties.

Collaborative practice:

This is a non-confrontational approach which aims to guide parties through the process of separation and divorce. That can include childcare arrangements as well as financial aspects of the relationship breakdown.  Collaborative practice is led by a lawyer who will be trained in collaborative law and who can involve other professionals like financial advisors and family counsellors to resolve specific issues. You follow a formal process that results in a binding agreement at the end of the process.

Litigation:

Unlike the alternative dispute resolution methods outlined above, litigation is adversarial. However, sometimes, it is necessary.  The sheriff or judge will make a decision, based on what is considered to be in the children’s best interests.

Choice of family lawyer:

It is vital that you feel at ease with your lawyer, able to speak openly and to feel that your concerns and your needs are being heard and understood.  Choice of lawyer at the outset is therefore very important.